I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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