I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
