i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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