Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize