Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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