her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
