The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
