I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
