You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize