Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it was like having sex with a tree stump
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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