Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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