We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
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