i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
