saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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