I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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