you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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