After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
soo... how was my night?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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