my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
