i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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