return my video game
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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