the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
