i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
