the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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