First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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