Your dad touched me again.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
