I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Sober January is a disaster.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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