genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
