How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
