that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
