Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
