This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
