wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize