Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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