I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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