my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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