I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
