Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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