So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
