remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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