Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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