I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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