i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
