Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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