she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am available for nakedness
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize