everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
