i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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