The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
