Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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