i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
