It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
