Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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