I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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