I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
