chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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