Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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