I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
