i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
