Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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