we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
