i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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