It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
