OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
