I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
