Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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