my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize